Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
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answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
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Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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