I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
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We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
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so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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