She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
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she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
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My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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