I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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