Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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