I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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