I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
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i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
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Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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