Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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