My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
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I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
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You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I forget how to act sober
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