he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
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he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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