i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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