Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
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Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
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i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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