I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
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remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
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somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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