You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
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I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
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I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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