What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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