he thought i was a dude.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
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Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
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"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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