I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
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i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
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Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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