The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
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He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
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Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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