I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize