I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize