...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
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I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
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I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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