He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
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buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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