you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
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Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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