if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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