goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
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Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
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Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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