My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
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The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
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I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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