I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
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Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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