I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
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My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
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Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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