Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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