mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
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Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
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I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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