Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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