Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
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When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
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I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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