someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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