i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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