You're my little dorito
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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