guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
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Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
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My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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