Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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