im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
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we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
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I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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