sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
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I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
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I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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