i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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