So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
i think my cat just said my name.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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