K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
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I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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