dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
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My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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