toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
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I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
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Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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