I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
There's even glitter on my cock...
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