You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
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Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
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Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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