he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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