I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
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I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
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How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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