I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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