i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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