Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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