I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I smell stomach acid.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
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if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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